Social Confidence for Nerdy Guys

Being confident is not like a sudden shift. You grow into it. That goes with ups and downs. Challenging yourself, setbacks, getting lucky, bad weather, or tragedy. All ammounting to an unpredictable life. But if you work on it - by working on yourself, energizing that inner strength, you’ll grow confident. You lay a baseline of trust in yourself that is always there.

So how does that feel.

Being confident is not about never having doubts about yourself again. You’ll have them. But they drowned out in security. The feeling of knowing who you are and where you are going. Or if you don’t know, trusting that things are going to be all right.

I always imagine it like this. We all have a baseline of mental power. Our ups and downs, our negative thoughts and setbacks, make it fluctuate. Depending on your mental recourses (confidence, trust, self-assurance) you have there is a relative large or small effect. You have either an ocean to float in, that can handle setbacks. But if you have few recourses, you hit rock bottom with every down - feeling, anxious, trapped and a victim. But hey, ups can feel relatively good.

Left: few mental resources, down in life can't be buffered resulting in suffering. Right: many mental resources, confident! Setbacks in life are easily handled.

Being confident is not never having any doubts about yourself. But having them less. With minimal effect. All because you have enough mental power. There are many ways to fill that ocean of yours - which we go into a lot. Like learning to talk to anybody, tell interesting stories, overcome your own addictions.

But let me sketch out for you what it feels like if you find your ocean of trust.

When you are confident:

You’ll recognize everybody is just fucking around. Most of us don’t really know what and why we are acting. We follow others, imitate, adapt and do. But few people are masters and directors of their life. As you grow you’ll see. It is liberating and can give you more trust in your own trial and error processes.

Confidence grounds you. That makes you feel, no matter what you do, you can make it right. A steady feel that what you do will be alright. You have the power to reframe setbacks and handle the adversity in your life. Get rejected by your crush? No problem, you can handle the setback and you know you’ll find someone else to connect with. You'll find a way to a better life by planning and/or improvising.

Yes, you still have those old negative voices in your head. But they are ignored mostly. Not engaged emotionally. Or even drowned out by stronger resilient thoughts. “You’ll make it” “You are a cool guy” “Sure, things look bad, but you are fine.” Reassuring thoughts that push you forward.

You don’t have a need for attention from others. Neither for approval and acceptance. On the contrary, because you exude confidence, people look to you for acceptance and guidance.

You know what is important to you. Your values and boundaries. Grounding you even around other influential or persuasive people. Standing your ground to defend when forced. You won’t be bullied or manipulated easily by others.

But you are open-minded to ideas and people. Interested in why people think differently. Comprehending why people have different opinions. What there is to learn from this ever so complex world. You're not afraid to adjust your standpoints if better arguments are presented. Able to hold two conflicting perspectives in mind - because not nothing is just black and white.

You’ll talk to people when you need to. But more importantly you talk to people when you want to. There is poorly any anxiety barrier that stops you. You’ll come from a grounded point, bringing value by your mere presence and social attitude.

Your failures nor your successes define you. They define your process, but they are not your identity. Besides, if you make mistakes, you are not afraid to admit you were wrong. It happens, it is okay, you learn and move on. Long live progress and learning.

Asking for help isn't a problem. You know there is much you can’t do. That is totally okay. So getting help from others is not a weakness, but a show of how you are willing to learn. Besides it is an opportunity to let them shine with their strengths. And in return you are ready to help others.

That is what you do you let others take the spotlight. Give them the attention and praise they deserve. Help them feel confident if they are not ready to be the center of approval and attention. You help others, so you help the group - ultimately helping yourself.

You don't hesitate sticking your neck out for others and what you stand for. You know risk brings reward, or some things are worth fighting for. And that is what you do. You work hard and strive for what is important.

That is what being positively confident is about.

That is within your grasp!

Go get them!

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