Your guide to group conversations - stop feeling left out
How do you join a group? When do you step in a group conversation? So much goes on, you just block up. How do you add to this crazy dynamic? Learn how to handle group conversations by applying the numerous strategies, tactics and techniques in this guide.

How do you join a group? When do you step in a group conversation? So much goes on, you just block up. How do you add to this crazy dynamic? In this article we look at:
0. Intro: My latest group anxiety
1. The weird dynamics of group conversation
2. Reading the situation
3. Joining a group
4. Dealing with rejection
5. Keeping the conversation flowing
6. What to do if your anxiety kicks in
7. What to talk about
8. A few final pro tips
0. Intro: My latest group anxiety
Last September I was reminded again how hard group conversation is. By pure coincidence, I was at a formal political event. There were ministers, senators and even the King and Queen! (You guessed it, not from the States đ ). This is an official Dutch event called âPrinceâs Dayâ. I can be really cool about it, but I sat in the last row, so not next to our cute queen, bummer, haha.
Before all the official ceremonies, I had to mingle with senators and their entourage. Kind of awkward. I tried to remind myself everyone is only a sentient sack of meat. Just like me! With that relativism, I started joining small groups for some sweet senatorial small talk. Trying to add value with goofy jokes. You know, by being myself.

It wasnât working.
Somehow I didnât know how to socialize anymore. Awkward silences,⌠being ignored,⌠and my brain blocking up. Really painful.
Luckily, after a while experience kicked in. I found my groove and a few cool senators.
But man was it frustrating and hard at first. The die-hard political setting didnât help. Apparently, the upper political class was not interested in entertaining a washed up geek. It reminded me of the time I always was awkward as fuck.
Remembering how awful it feels if you canât fit in. When you are excluded. Standing uncomfortably on the sidelines, feeling hopeless.
That is why I wrote this article about group conversation. Because you can learn to handle group conversations. Even in these kinds of settings. Even if you feel you just donât get it.
Letâs take a deep dive into the wonderful world of group conversation. So you wonât regret going to parties. Leave the comfort of your home with confidence. Have no more worries about keeping up appearances, but know exactly what to do. How to be yourself. Not stressed out about what others think of you.

1. The weird dynamics of group conversation
So many weird manners do we humans have. The larger a group, the more chaotic. A good group size is about 3-7 people. Any bigger and a group splits into subgroups. Or a portion of the people will be uninvested in the conversation.
1.1 Donât treat group dialogue as a one-on-one talk.
Though the basics are the same, a lot is different. There is a different dynamic in energy, topics, and emotions. This asks for flexibility on your part. To better fit in and understand, start observing the different roles people adopt.
You have the leaders, who guide and steer the conversation. Supports, who add to the dynamic and content but donât contribute too much. The jokers, who mainly jest. Good for lightening up and smoothing out the kinks. Agitators, the people ready to poke around for fun, excitement or out of boredom. And the public, who mainly observe and enjoy.

1.2 A nice conversation is value of itself
Going into a group conversation unskilled, you might think: âI'll bother people if I walk up and start talkingâ. But that is unfounded self-criticism.
You can add value! Either by the interesting things you say, or by the mere act of socializing. People feel good when they socialize. If you do it well â you give them that feel good vibe. (and yourself too by the way.)
You just need to learn how to engage group conversation.
2. Reading the situation
2.1 Check if the group is open or not
The first step to joining any conversation is knowing if you can join or not.
In some settings, people have an intense conversation without room for new people. Like old friends loudly bantering, flowing in a dynamic build up over years! These are not the right groups to join.
But there are relaxed and open groups you can join. Look for the right signs:
- A group not too loud and intense.
- Where people are loosely arranged.
- With openings for proper angles of engagement.
Not only does the arrangement matter. But the way people carry themselves. Are their arms closed, legs only pointed at each other? This indicates a closed mood.
Instead look for people with their arms relaxed, in a wide open stance. You have a better shot at connecting with them.

You could jump into a conversation and scream: âIâm here mofos!â (And honestly, it sometimes works.) But a better idea is to scope out the setting a bit first. Be near a group and listen. But donât creepily eavesdrop for an hour. If you hear something interesting, or if there is a lull in the conversation, use that to enter. (more on that later.)
2.2 Gauge what the conversation is like and about.
So you wonât join randomly and unprepared. What is the tone? Serious, somber, personal? Or are people just comically bantering? There might be a serious discussion going on.
Are you ready to add a story, facts or emotional value to this conversation? Are you even interested in it? Yes! Great. Time to get ready!
2.3 Relax before you step in
You might be self-conscious about entering the conversations. (Surprise!) But overthinking how you are perceived and act, kills the upcoming dialogue. Try to relax before you enter a group.
One way is using a simple breathing technique. Take 10 deep breaths in. In 4 second, hold and breathe out slowly for 8. Your body will automatically relax. Use this ease to enter!
Another way is the classic 3-second rule. Once you decide you want to talk to people, step up to them within 3 seconds. So you have no time to doubt â you just enter the fray.
3. Joining a group
3.1 Find the openings
So the easiest way to enter a group conversation is through someone you know. Pat them on the shoulder, say hi and join the banter. He can introduce you.
But most of the time you have to enter by yourself. As suggested, you have been observing the group a bit. Enter in an angle where people see you approach. Preferably in an open spot as well.

3.2 Immediately add to the conversation
Approach and be assertive! I canât stress this enough, but donât just stand there expecting to magically become part of the dynamic. Lightly introduce and acknowledge the group. By entering, and giving a small nod or tilt of the head.
- âHey guys, whats up?â
Introduce yourself quickly to the group. Shaking hands is more formal but might fit the setting. Say who you are and give other people the chance to introduce themselves as well.
Does entering by just introducing not feel right? Not spontaneous enough? Use an easy entry sentence. An opener if you will.
3.3 Openers to join the conversation
Ask a question, make a statement or use your observations. You can question or comment on numerous things. The context, environment, the group, the news, yourself, pop culture or tell a small story.
Do this by focusing on one person to ask it to. But donât neglect the rest. Be loud enough, and look around to involve the group. Some examples:
Ask to join the group:
- âHey guys, mind if I join?â
Use what youâve heard:
- âCouldnât help but overhear you talking about quantum entanglementâ
- âAre you talking about midi-chlorians? Fascinating!â
- âNo way you guys like Dave Chapelle too?â
Join with a new subject, by statement or question.
- âYou guys have these kinds of events more often?â
- âWow, this is a cool mansion right?â
- âHey, how do you know each other?â
- âDid you guys hear of the new SpaceX launch?â
- âWell these parties always make me awkward, how are you guys holding up?â
- âNew Indiana Jones movie guys, yay or nay?â
If a few sentences you get the ball rolling and you are in the conversation, introduce yourself if you havenât done so yet.
- âHey I am [fill in name] by the wayâ

3.4 What if you kinda know people
There are situations, you already kinda know the group. Like a group of classmates, or colleagues. You can more easily ask to join the group. Just move up and ask:
- âHey mind if I join?â
- âScootch, what are you guys talking about?â
Then actually be a part of the conversation. You can barge in using the above kind of questions. Or wait a bit, and see if the group takes you along in the conversation.
3.5 Engage the quieter people
Sometimes, especially in larger groups, there are unengaged people. Looking around and not contributing. Go up to them â they are uninvolved anyway â ask them whatâs happening. Use them as a gravity assist to catapult yourself in the rest of the conversation.
3.6 Adjust a bit to fit
In any group the dynamic is different. Accept that! That will mean some flexibility on your part. Everyone has to adjust to fit in. Just donât let go of your core beliefs and character.

In conversation you always have to be flexible â but donât adjust your core values. In group conversation your need to be flexible in multiple directions.
A little pro tip: At small events, arrive a bit early. Then introduce yourself to all the people who are already there and those who trickle in. Itâs easier with few people around. Because you already made contact, initiating talks, later on, will be much easier. Your assertiveness already broke the ice.
4. Dealing with rejection

All these techniques to enter work. But not 100% of the time. Besides, it takes practice to become good at it.
So sometimes you will be rejected.
People donât always open up. There also will be times people politely let you enter the verbal fray, but donât make you part of the conversation. Not letting you merge into the conversation.
Notice if things donât work out. Accept it and just discreetly excuse yourself.
It can feel humiliating and awkward, but hey, itâs human interaction, not an exact science. Itâs a messy business. Egos will be bruised. But bruises heal. Nothing you canât learn from and try again, but better!
But in case you are able to enter the group but are not really taken in by people, don't immediately give up. Really assert yourself! Make effort to be part of the conversation.
So how do you do that smoothly?

5. Keeping the conversation flowing
5.1 Listen with intent and genuine interest.
In group convo, you will speak less than mano e mano. Unless youâre domineering or a smooth socialite. That means you have to listen well!
Show you interest by giving verbal and nonverbal acknowledgments. Like saying:
- âSounds pretty cool.â
- âAmazing!â
- âWow, did that really happen?â
The nonverbal equivalents of that are nodding your head, grunting or humming approval. âmmm mmmmâ, all subtle but clear signs you are listening.

5.2 Show interest by asking more
You donât have to keep it at those acknowledgments. Ask follow up questions as well. Not only to the person speaking but to the rest of the groups as well.
- âWhat are your guyâs thoughts on that?â
- âThatâs interesting, what would you have done?â
- âSo how did that make you feel?â
Whatever is right to ask, as long as it comes from genuine curiosity. Donât fake it, that doesnât work. Not really interested in people and their stories? Start asking better questions! Also, cultivate more interest in people. Because believe me, if you do it right, you will find how fascinating people really are!
5.3 Use your body language
Also, show you are listening, with your body. We landed on the subject before. As you stand in the group, make sure you display an open and relaxed posture. Your arms at your side, feet pointed towards the group.
5.4 Eye contact
Look people in their eyes! It is one of the most essential ways to establish a connection and gauge their emotional state.
Find it hard? Practice! Because you can learn it. Find it hard to focus on both eyes, try focussing on one, then the other. It is a simple trick to keep looking people in the eyes.

You make eye contact as you talk or listen. If you feel it has been long enough, donât look down or outside the group. But look at other group members. Look in their eyes, as they look at the speaker. Because you can switch between people, it is good practice as well! This is an essential part of connecting!
5.5 Bringing in your own subject
So you want to add something. But you donât really want to be an ass about it. You don't have to be loud or interrupt brashly. But you have to be assertive.
In conversations, when someone is finished, there is a small pause. Then the next person reacts or picks up a new thread. Donât wait too long in that pause. Just give it a second or 2, than barge in. Say what you want to say. Add value and show interest.
5.6 Show you want to talk next
Show others in advance youâre up next. Use your body language. Raise your hand a bit as you are about to talk. Tilt your head in and breath in clearly. This shows you are going to say something next.

5.7 Interrupting people
Sometimes you donât have a choice but interrupting people. But you can do it politely.
- âSorry to interrupt, but I want to react to what you just saidâ
- âWait, I want to add something to thatâ
Acknowledge other peopleâs value and add your own thoughts. But donât interrupt too often of course. Keep things light and apologize a bit. Use humor to lighten the situation.
Itâs hard to plan all these things. So sometimes you will be interrupted, sometimes you will interrupt someone else. Itâs no big deal!
There will be times you and someone else start talking at the same time. Be gracious and let the other speak. But if you havenât added anything in awhile, just take the spotlight.
6. What to do if your anxiety kicks in
Sometimes it can feel overwhelming to talk to a group. So much input, so many faces. You just block up. You get anxious and self-conscious. Your mind racing and saying things like:
- âThese people donât like meâ
- âI made it weird againâ
- âDid I say anything wrong?â
How do you get out of that state?
6.1 Deep breaths
As said earlier, try to regain your calm by taking deep breaths. 4 seconds in 8 seconds out. Just do that ten times. No problem, you can easily be silent for a minute. Feel calmer? Just give it a few more deep breaths.
6.2 Only focus on one person at a time
Now â instead of focusing on this ambiguous concept called a group. Just focus on one person at a time. The entire group can be overwhelming. So many things said, so many faced to interpret, so many potential judgments. An overload of information. Your blue screen of death will just pop up in your head.

But you can talk to one person, right? Focusing on one person is easier. So look at the person talking only. Just ignore the rest of the group. There is only her â the rest follows. Someone else talks, slowly shift your attention to him. Ignore the chaotic blob called group, just focus on the individual elements.
If you are ready â address that one person. Not the group! The group doesnât exist. Look her in the eyes. Talk to her. Wait for her response. If someone else answers refocus only on that person. And so on.
This will make group talk way less overwhelming. You talk from one person to one person.
Yes, I said the dynamic is different. Groups are not the same as individual talks. But taking it apart first, helps you tackle the whole. Over time it will blend in smooth group conversations. Where you can see how the parts make up the whole.
As for future preparation â learn to reframe self-conscious thoughts and being calmer. But also practice meditation to find everyday relaxation.
7. What to talk about?
7.1 Safe and unsafe subjects
So what are you going to talk and ask about? Letâs look at asking first. If you want to play it safe, you always have the classic FORD and PMTF subjects. But also the infamous RAPE subjects to avoid. This keeps things civil.
Generally safe subjects F.O.R.D;
- Family
- Occupation
- Recreation
- Dreams
More personalized subjects P.M.T.F.
- Pets
- Media (movies, music, books)
- Travel
- Food & Drinks
Things to avoid talking about R.A.P.E
- Race
- Abortion
- Politics
- Ex-es
(*abortion, as in all highly sensitive issues)
These are pretty good guidelines, especially when you first meet people. But of course, there is more flexibility. You will find that out over time when you grow more experienced.
7.2 Prepared subjects
Want a broader range of subjects? Prepare! Read books, newspapers, Reddit or some juicy tabloid and use it to know about interesting topics. Use those to spark exciting conversation.
Donât know what most people talk about? Try this, open MSN.com or yahoo.com (donât use them as a search engine), there youâll see what data-driven content looks like. So what most people love talking about! Itâs the stuff you're not interested in and still click on.
There are loads of subjects you are interested in. You donât have to talk about the Kardashians if you donât want to. Talk about things you find fascinating and your passion. But be flexible, because what celebrities might be for you, Warhammer is to others. So have a few awesome common interests to discuss as well.

7.3 Changing the subject
If you donât like the current subject, segway organically into another one. You can do three things to move on. You can zoom out, zoom in or move laterally.
Say we are talking about the new iPhone. But you are totally not interested. Zoom in; talking about the apps available and the technology going into it. Or zoom out; talking about the impact smartphones have in daily life. How you canât live with or without them. Or you pan to similar subjects, the new Samsung, your new tv, how Apple is also entering the autonomous car market. You name it!
7.4 Don't lie or pretend
Remember, if you really donât know anything about a subject. Donât pretend you do, you will look like an ass. Ask more through genuine interest. Donât fake knowledge and donât pretend to be smart.
7.5 Have a few go-to-stories
Also, have a few funny or interesting go-to-stories. Worried you donât have an interesting life for compelling stories? That actually doesnât really matter. Look at Seinfeld. You can have amazing stories about how quirky ânormalâ things are. Or about your crazy thought patterns! Share your awesome stories with the world!
You might want to practice the art of storytelling. Start by practicing jokes! Small stories in and of themselves. A beginning, a middle and a funny twist. Balancing tensions and release. Master your vocal toolbox to tell awesome stories!

8. A few final Pro tips
Always try to make others feel comfortable. Ask people their opinion make them part of the group. Because you might not even be the shyest person there. Make sure everyone in the group feels part of the dynamic.
You can also ask people outside of the group if they want to join the conversation. Because just like you, they might now know how to join.
Use names and tie individual narratives together. Repeat what people say, show you listened, and ask what others think about it. Displaying interest and leadership.
If you want to shine even more and become the center of attention, ramp up your energy level to 125% of the current flow. People will flock to your enthusiasm. But in a balanced way, not a wild frenzy.
So thatâs your 101 on group conversation. Ready to take on the world? Time to practice my friend! It is a lot of info, but feel free to ask more questions.