Small talk cheat sheet v2

You can download the pdf/printable version here

I don’t know if you’ve already seen this, but I wanted to share it here as well! A while ago I published this small talk cheat sheet on Reddit. I was overwhelmed by all the positive reactions. That is why I decided to improve it a bit with all the feedback I received and post it here as well. Hopefully you can benefit.

It’s a checklist that condenses the basics of small talk. Don’t try to master all of this at once. Learn step by step, and get better a few subjects at a time.

It is a general small talk checklist. So the basics are right everywhere, but take into account for some cultural variation. Nonetheless, this has already helped so many people, including some people I coach, hopefully you find it useful too.

Small talk cheat sheet

Basic Principles

• Social skills and small talk are a skill you become better at by practice
• Small talk is a technique to get to know each other and get on the same level
• If you get on the same page, you can open up and connect more to create a relation
• Don’t engage people for approval, validation or acceptance – but for a social experience
• A big part of communication is nonverbal – voice, posture, expressions

Qualities

• Be honest to yourself and others
• Be an energetic, optimistic, enthusiastic you
• Be curious and show empathy
• Don’t take it all too serious

Right mindsets

• I can develop in a better me by taking action
• I’m the actor not the victim in my life
• I’m truly interested in other people
• Everybody likes me until proven otherwise
• I am a likable and interesting person

How to approach people

• Look if people are open to conversation
  • Open body language
  • Not busy or in another conversation
• Make eye contact and smile warmly
• Don’t obsess about what to say
• Approach and just simply open with;
  • “Hi, how are you?”
• Assume the other person is more anxious
  • You can make them feel more at ease

How to start a conversation

• Comment on the context (Situations, news, setting, people)
  • “This coffee place has a nice nostalgic interior, don’t you agree?”
• Give a real compliment
  • “I really like those sneakers, where did you get them?”
• Ask an opinion
  • “So what do you think about velvet slacks?”
• Ask about general information
  • “Can you tell me what time it is?”
• Talk about shared experiences:
  • “That was an amazing game, that last goal! Wow, what did you like?”
• Talk about the social context:
  • “So who invited you to the party?”
• Mention common interests
  • “Are you going to watch the game tonight?”

How to keep a conversation going

• Balance talking and listening to a 2:3 ratio
• Show genuine interest,
  • Ask open-ended questions
  • Truly willing to listen and learn
    • “What was/is your highlight this week?”
    • “What are you living towards?”
  • Ask for the emotional layer
    • “Why…”
    • “How come you chose…”
• Avoid closed questions (limited answers; yes/no/…)
• Ask for opinions;
  • What do you think about ….
• Find common ground;
  • Agreement on an issue
  • Same interest [hobby / career / etc]
  • Knowing the same person
  • Enjoying a similar background
• Elaborate on common interest but keep the focus on them
• Show how you can relate to their experiences/interests
  • “Interesting, I was as well in Paris last year, loved the croissants.”
  • “Myself I’m more into Dragonball, but One Piece is cool too!”
• Approach subjects from a unique angle
  • Add emotion and quirk
    • “What about cars? Wouldn’t they be much cooler with 6 wheels?”
• Have your own opinion
  • But be open and respectful of others’ opinion as well
    • “I actually really like pineapple on my pizza”
• Segue from the current subject by zooming in/out or move lateral
  • Dig into the details, see the bigger picture or mention related subjects
• Use “what-if” scenarios to get people thinking and talking
  • “What if mobile phones were forbidden”
• Talks about your experiences/stories and ask how they can relate
  • What did you do this week
    • “I was just playing Starcraft with some friends, are you a gamer?”
  • _Wha_t are your plans
    • “Next weekend I’ll be home alone, love it! You have any plans?”
  • What keeps you busy and why
    • “I’m trying to learn Chinese, preparing for our new overlords. Do you speak any second languages?”

What to talk about

• Be prepared

  • Be informed, what is on people’s mind now? Latest meme, hype, news?
    • “Did you guys see that pizza rat video?”
    • “Have you met the new girl in HR?”
  • Prepare a few anecdotes you can use in conversation
    • “This one time on bandcamp,…”
    • “So I was going to the police office,…”
  • Prepare and share some interesting facts
    • “Did you know this place was built in 1908?”
    • “So India just had it’s first moon mission.”

• Safe subjects to ask about; FORD

  • Family
  • Occupation
  • Recreation
  • Dreams (aspirations)

• Other great general subjects

  • Pets
  • Music / movies / books
  • Travel
  • Food / drinks

• If people seem vague about a certain subject after a few questions

  • Let it go and move to the next
  • Some subjects are normal to you and can be sensitive to others

• Don’t just talk about yourself

How to talk and use your voice and body

• Look people in the eyes
• Stand up straight and relaxed
• Open body language, hands by your side
• Articulate clearly and speak loud enough

How to actively listen

• Listen with intent and true interest
• Use verbal acknowledgment that you listen
  • “Interesting”
  • “Sounds cool”
  • “Yes, go on”
  • “Seriously?”
  • “Tell me more”
• Use nonverbal acknowledgment that you listen
  • Nodding
  • “mmmmm” / “uhuh”
• Ask follow-up questions to keep people talking?
  • “How did that make you feel?”
  • “And then what?”
  • “What were you thinking when that happened?”
• Ask about what has been told, go with the flow
• Paraphrase what people said to show you listened

When and how to end a conversation

• If someone doesn’t want to talk, don’t force the conversation.
  • You’ll get short closed answers
  • Someone doesn’t look at you
  • They start/keep doing something else
• If conversations seem to be going nowhere
• Or if there seems to be no real interest feel free to leave
  • “(Excuse me) I have to go …”
  • “It was nice talking to you, but I have to …”
  • “Alright, see you around”
• If a conversation doesn’t flow or just ends
  • Just let it go
  • Don’t take this personally
  • There are numerous reasons beyond your influence why it doesn’t work

How to overcome anxiety barrier

• 3 second rule – approach before you can think
• Take deep calming breaths to calm down and approach
• Boost confidence before social activity
  • Do what makes you feel good: work out / puzzles / cold shower etc.
• Share how you feel / clear the air
  • “I’m a bit anxious about…”
  • “I usually don’t step up to people, but you looked pretty interesting”
• Practice, practice, practice

Stop!:

• Overanalyzing yourself and the situation
• Filtering your responses, say what you think/feel
• Focusing on yourself – instead focus (on the comfort of) the other

How to make others and yourself comfortable

• Become comfortable by making others comfortable
• Ask how people are doing
• Be curious and show interest
  • Show you are not judging
  • Show empathy
• Make easy eye contact and smile
• Ask and use their name
• Remember and bring up personal details
  • “How is your wife/cat/boat doing?”
• Paraphrase what people said to show you listened
• Show trust and some vulnerability
  • Say what you think and feel
• Remember: The more interesting/personal the conversation, the less effort it will take
• Don’t take it all too seriously

Connecting to people

• Open up yourself, step by step share about you(r life)
  • Share information you’d ask of others as well
• Show you trust people
• Shared experiences

Hope this is helpful. If this is useful print it out, pin it to you headboard or tattoo it on your forearm. As long as it helps :). Any suggestions, feedback or questions? Let me know at timon@techlecticism.com