Small talk cheat sheet v2
You can download the pdf/printable version here
I don’t know if you’ve already seen this, but I wanted to share it here as well! A while ago I published this small talk cheat sheet on Reddit. I was overwhelmed by all the positive reactions. That is why I decided to improve it a bit with all the feedback I received and post it here as well. Hopefully you can benefit.
It’s a checklist that condenses the basics of small talk. Don’t try to master all of this at once. Learn step by step, and get better a few subjects at a time.
It is a general small talk checklist. So the basics are right everywhere, but take into account for some cultural variation. Nonetheless, this has already helped so many people, including some people I coach, hopefully you find it useful too.
Small talk cheat sheet
Basic Principles
- Social skills and small talk are a skill you become better at by practice
- Small talk is a technique to get to know each other and get on the same level
- If you get on the same page, you can open up and connect more to create a relation
- Don’t engage people for approval, validation or acceptance – but for a social experience
- A big part of communication is nonverbal – voice, posture, expressions
Qualities
- Be honest to yourself and others
- Be an energetic, optimistic, enthusiastic you
- Be curious and show empathy
- Don’t take it all too serious
Right mindsets
- I can develop in a better me by taking action
- I’m the actor not the victim in my life
- I’m truly interested in other people
- Everybody likes me until proven otherwise
- I am a likable and interesting person
How to approach people
- Look if people are open to conversation
- Open body language
- Not busy or in another conversation
- Make eye contact and smile warmly
- Don’t obsess about what to say
- Approach and just simply open with;
- “Hi, how are you?”
- Assume the other person is more anxious
- You can make them feel more at ease
How to start a conversation
- Comment on the context (Situations, news, setting, people)
- “This coffee place has a nice nostalgic interior, don’t you agree?”
- Give a real compliment
- “I really like those sneakers, where did you get them?”
- Ask an opinion
- “So what do you think about velvet slacks?”
- Ask about general information
- “Can you tell me what time it is?”
- Talk about shared experiences:
- “That was an amazing game, that last goal! Wow, what did you like?”
- Talk about the social context:
- “So who invited you to the party?”
- Mention common interests
- “Are you going to watch the game tonight?”
How to keep a conversation going
- Balance talking and listening to a 2:3 ratio
- Show genuine interest,
- Ask open-ended questions
- Truly willing to listen and learn
- “What was/is your highlight this week?”
- “What are you living towards?”
- Ask for the emotional layer
- “Why…”
- “How come you chose…”
- Avoid closed questions (limited answers; yes/no/…)
- Ask for opinions;
- What do you think about ….
- Find common ground;
- Agreement on an issue
- Same interest [hobby / career / etc]
- Knowing the same person
- Enjoying a similar background
- Elaborate on common interest but keep the focus on them
- Show how you can relate to their experiences/interests
- “Interesting, I was as well in Paris last year, loved the croissants.”
- “Myself I’m more into Dragonball, but One Piece is cool too!”
- Approach subjects from a unique angle
- Add emotion and quirk
- “What about cars? Wouldn’t they be much cooler with 6 wheels?”
- Add emotion and quirk
- Have your own opinion
- But be open and respectful of others’ opinion as well
- “I actually really like pineapple on my pizza”
- But be open and respectful of others’ opinion as well
- Segue from the current subject by zooming in/out or move lateral
- Dig into the details, see the bigger picture or mention related subjects
- Use “what-if” scenarios to get people thinking and talking
- “What if mobile phones were forbidden”
- Talks about your experiences/stories and ask how they can relate
- What did you do this week
- “I was just playing Starcraft with some friends, are you a gamer?”
- _Wha_t are your plans
- “Next weekend I’ll be home alone, love it! You have any plans?”
- What keeps you busy and why
- “I’m trying to learn Chinese, preparing for our new overlords. Do you speak any second languages?”
- What did you do this week
What to talk about
-
Be prepared
- Be informed, what is on people’s mind now? Latest meme, hype, news?
- “Did you guys see that pizza rat video?”
- “Have you met the new girl in HR?”
- Prepare a few anecdotes you can use in conversation
- “This one time on bandcamp,…”
- “So I was going to the police office,…”
- Prepare and share some interesting facts
- “Did you know this place was built in 1908?”
- “So India just had it’s first moon mission.”
- Be informed, what is on people’s mind now? Latest meme, hype, news?
-
Safe subjects to ask about; FORD
- Family
- Occupation
- Recreation
- Dreams (aspirations)
-
Other great general subjects
- Pets
- Music / movies / books
- Travel
- Food / drinks
-
If people seem vague about a certain subject after a few questions
- Let it go and move to the next
- Some subjects are normal to you and can be sensitive to others
-
Don’t just talk about yourself
How to talk and use your voice and body
- Look people in the eyes
- Stand up straight and relaxed
- Open body language, hands by your side
- Articulate clearly and speak loud enough
How to actively listen
- Listen with intent and true interest
- Use verbal acknowledgment that you listen
- “Interesting”
- “Sounds cool”
- “Yes, go on”
- “Seriously?”
- “Tell me more”
- Use nonverbal acknowledgment that you listen
- Nodding
- “mmmmm” / “uhuh”
- Ask follow-up questions to keep people talking?
- “How did that make you feel?”
- “And then what?”
- “What were you thinking when that happened?”
- Ask about what has been told, go with the flow
- Paraphrase what people said to show you listened
When and how to end a conversation
- If someone doesn’t want to talk, don’t force the conversation.
- You’ll get short closed answers
- Someone doesn’t look at you
- They start/keep doing something else
- If conversations seem to be going nowhere
- Or if there seems to be no real interest feel free to leave
- “(Excuse me) I have to go …”
- “It was nice talking to you, but I have to …”
- “Alright, see you around”
- If a conversation doesn’t flow or just ends
- Just let it go
- Don’t take this personally
- There are numerous reasons beyond your influence why it doesn’t work
How to overcome anxiety barrier
- 3 second rule – approach before you can think
- Take deep calming breaths to calm down and approach
- Boost confidence before social activity
- Do what makes you feel good: work out / puzzles / cold shower etc.
- Share how you feel / clear the air
- “I’m a bit anxious about…”
- “I usually don’t step up to people, but you looked pretty interesting”
- Practice, practice, practice
Stop!:
- Overanalyzing yourself and the situation
- Filtering your responses, say what you think/feel
- Focusing on yourself – instead focus (on the comfort of) the other
How to make others and yourself comfortable
- Become comfortable by making others comfortable
- Ask how people are doing
- Be curious and show interest
- Show you are not judging
- Show empathy
- Make easy eye contact and smile
- Ask and use their name
- Remember and bring up personal details
- “How is your wife/cat/boat doing?”
- Paraphrase what people said to show you listened
- Show trust and some vulnerability
- Say what you think and feel
- Remember: The more interesting/personal the conversation, the less effort it will take
- Don’t take it all too seriously
Connecting to people
- Open up yourself, step by step share about you(r life)
- Share information you’d ask of others as well
- Show you trust people
- Shared experiences
Hope this is helpful. If this is useful print it out, pin it to you headboard or tattoo it on your forearm. As long as it helps :). Any suggestions, feedback or questions? Let me know at timon@techlecticism.com
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