Social Confidence for Nerdy Guys

Overcome the social barriers in- and outside yourself

The phone - I hate calling people I poorly or don't know.

I'm pretty outtgoing. But there is always this anxiety barrier stopping me from getting on a call. It's my social achilles heel. Why? God knows. But the barrier is there. I want to delay calling a lot. But I don't, I still call people. Because next to that social anxiety, I got a bigger social drive.

A force driving me through angst and nervousness.

But was this force there before? Nope. Oh there was a faint feeling of wanting to socialize - but the dread to go out there drove me to isolation instead. Locking myself up and indulge on some porn and gaming. Not worrying about the outside world. "Party? Nope, excuse me, I have a date with Crissy Moran and a sesh Battle of Middle Earth to attend to."

But digital indulgences weren't getting me anywhere. Sure it was fun and made me forget my worries. But I still had that nagging feeling of wanting to be with people. The primal need of socializing. As you've may have deduced from other posts, I got over it. Part of it was developing healthy practices that fuel and sustain my social motivation. A drive I use to hammer through anxiety.

They are auxilliary practices for your social skills. They can help you keep confident and motivated to overcome your anxiety demons. Because yes, I too still sometimes overthink my actions. I still sometimes doubt myself. (a lot less so though!) But I overcome those barriers now. So can you!

Warning though, this is advice you might not want, but you probably need!

Get your notepad out.

Assume People Like Me (and I them).

I cultivated this self fulllfilling prophecy. I believe people like me. This is my mindset and it works.

Is it true that all people like me? Probably not, but I approach people as if they like me. Guess what, they respond positively to my approach. Automatically they revert to their programming of engaging people that they like.

What you bring is what you get. If you approach people as if they would like you - they will respond in kind!

Don't go about it as a arrogan douche. Be honest, interested and engaged. Go in there asuming you like them too ofcourse.

We all have all these innerdoubts about ourselves. But how hard it may be to press them aside, at least don't project them onto others. Reprogram yourself to believe. The belief turns into action and the action into reciprocation.

No Fap And Other Limits

I've talked about this before. But we kinda have these pseudo-solutions in our life. Fake satisfaction for real urges.

For instance, we have a real craving for sex and intimacy. But the closest at hand (pun inteded) is porn. You are digitally stimulated to hand it to yourself and get rewarded with a sweet orgasm.

Totally understandable. BUT - this is not the real thing, and it is way too readily available. You fuck up because you don't get what your sexual desire really strived for - real sex AND intimacy. You only get a weak alternative.

I'm not judging, and I'm saying masturbation and porn are bad. But in limits, it is totally okay to sometimes indulge on the fast food variant of sex.

The problem is that the easy way out is always there. With your sexual stimulus a mouseclick away, and your orgasm dispenser in hand's reach, it is hard not to binge. Limit it anyway - because it fucks up your reward circuitry! Simply put - honest sexual drive leading to only satisfying yourself (and not a partner) leaves most people feeling empty. There is more info on it here.

Restrain from the easy way to satisfy yourself. So you'll keep that strong motivation for intimacy. That drives you to go out, and be a great version of yourself. Not a bedroom dwelling fapping carrousell.

There are other forms of internet "porn" and "masturbation" that keep you hooked. Fake digital equivalents of what you want. Like gaming substituting your urge for adventure and exploration. Social media being a paperthin alternative for real socializing. Explore what keeps you hooked - and break free from compulsion.

nofap for man holding hand

Work Out

Pushing your body to it's limits. Building a more healthy housing of your spirit. It is bound to make you feel more energetic and driven.

Besides it is one of those things were you see progress so fast. If you take working out, you will gain more energy, sleep better, and see you can become a better self.

It is so simple - pushing your body makes it and the ego it houses stronger, more resilient and vibrant. Sure you have to push through some pain and suffering while training. But the resulting boosts are 10x the invesment.

Whether it is running, lifting or a awesome team sport. It works. Choose your class and become more fit.

workout with barbell

Meditate

Our minds are constantly active and chatter away. Or at least we train them that way, so we can survive in the modern world. But if it is trained to have constant anxious thoughts, it can be more of a liability than a tool.

That is were meditation comes in. It helps to clear that chaos in your mind. Letting go of stress and anxiety, even if for a moment. It gives your mind and spirit a breather.

Imagine your mind as a cloudy puddle of whater. There is no way to actively make the water clear. Except to observe, wait and breath. Don't further disturb the water by adding thougts. Observe until it clears. You slowly engage less with all your spontaneous thoughts, and just be and feel.

That clarity helps to live.

To be centered and engage with life the way you instincively want.

It's a hard practice. But to get you started take a look at these two tradional ways; or these 2 apps.

patrick star meditates on his house

Action & Practice

What also gets me going is, 'counter inuitively', taking action.

As I said about the phone, I still dread calling stranger. But going for it, actually doing it, motivates me. Action precedes my motivation. Jumping through the fear energizes.

So I make a list of the 10 people I need to call. I call the first one - by overcoming my first fear. I get energy, a boost. And am motivated to tackle the next and the next. Batched my fear and making it easier by taking action.

Sometimes you can not wait to be motivated, to let anxiety subside. You take action and push it away. Sometimes your motivation is a slow little bitch - take the lead and it will follow your initiative. You precede it - so it becomes more of a pushing instead of pulling force.

Amelia Earhart Paper Tigers Quote

Relax And Recharchge

So you have all these practices to become a better person. But if you practice, you also need to recharche. To fill your life with only impulses is crazy - you can't be ON all the time. You need your down time. So relax, rest sleep and recharge.

You need to process your experience. Learn your lessons and refill that tank of willpower and energy. Knowing when not to pursue is as much an art as when to do it.

Taking time for yourself is the best. Especially if your socially challenging yourself. If you are a more introverted, take your 'me time'. I can be the live of the party - but I need to chill the fuck out afterwards. So gift yourself the power of isolation sometimes - so you are recharged to socialize again when you feel like it.

So How About It

What are you going to do? Approach new people? Have endless conversations?

Go motivate yourself, take action and be your best self!

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